Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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