saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
