At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
