At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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