Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So vagazzling was a success
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize