I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
