Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize