I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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