so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
