Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
