i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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