So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
