Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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