one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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