I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
