Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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