the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
