I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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