Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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