Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
