just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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