May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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