I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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