I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
