I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think i have two assholes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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