So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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