if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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