How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
