That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
