im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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