we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize