i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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