Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
