i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We have started to decorate penises.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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