why didn't you poke me back
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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