the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
