I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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