I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
