I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
