mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
