I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
