just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
being pregnant is like rehab
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
