Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
