We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize