plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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