I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
