The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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