i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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