the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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