So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
