Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Operation Purity has been aborted
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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