i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Houston, we have a blender
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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