I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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