Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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