I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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