dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hippo gnu deer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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