Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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