I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
