bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
