my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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